[published on August 3, 2005 in "The Flatland Oracles" weblog]
I’m at a stage in life where I am sometimes the recipient of younger women’s confidences concerning their love lives. In addition, I’ve been secretly monitoring the weblogs of certain excellent young writers who---among other things---like to share, sometimes in more depth and detail than I really want, their venting/rantings on the subject of love generally and dating specifically.
I feel so sorry for them all. They’re all so alone and trying so bravely to like it, in between plangent moaning about the lack of worthy contenders for their affections. They deplore the unworthiness of men generally, but you can tell that they secretly feel that they’re just not good enough. They really think that the reason they can’t ‘find anyone’ is because they’re too homely, too fat, too desperate, or too needy because every last one of them has completely bought into the messages they’ve been receiving from the media since birth about what makes a woman desirable to men.
The women I’ve actually met face to face are perfectly presentable, so that’s not the problem. And it’s not necessarily a problem anyway. I’m a perfectly ordinary-looking woman, always have been----and yet I’ve never had any trouble finding men to fall in love with me. The world is full of people of both sexes who want to find love. It’s really not that difficult. I am constantly amazed at the number of lonely, unhappy middle-aged single people I see around me.
So I’m sorry to see that there is so much bad advice around. For example, that book, that hugely successful book, He’s Just Not that Into You. A couple of the women whose blogs I read have mentioned it and one of the aforementioned young women who confide in me often refers to it. Some of them apparently have---tragically, for some of them--- taken it to heart.
He's Just Not that Into You is a light-hearted yet at the same time deadly serious book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. of really daunting advice to women who are looking for love. I found it in the 'humor' section of the local bookstore, but it's really intended (or so it seems) as a self-help guide for young women seeking love. The theme of He’s Just Not that Into You is that it is better for a woman to be lonely than to put up with a guy who isn’t leaping tall buildings and moving mountains to be with her. The writers apparently believe that all men are the same man and that all of them think, feel, and behave like Greg Behrendt, the male half of the two coauthors. Their solution to every single relationship problem that the book addresses? The title/catchphrase says it all, I guess.
The authors are a very cute man who seems to have been a writer for Sex and the City and a young chick of about 40 who certainly was. Liz Tuccillo in particular interests me---because of her cover photo. There she is--- exceptionally pretty but slightly greenish in color, with brownish circles under her eyes. Rather too thin, naturally. Her tentative little smile doesn’t reach her worried-looking eyes. I am hoping that the huge success of this book revivified her and brought not only a lot of money but someone particularly nurturing into her (apparently) lonely life of ‘currently living and dating in New York City.’ My heart was wrung by the sight of her poor little pallid face and those haggard circles, and I don’t even know her. Bring this woman a full course of nurturing love, stat!
I hate to say it---these two must be experts; did I mention they were writers for Sex and the City?--- but the fact is: it’s a book of bad advice. The advice was all written by him. In response to letters describing various relationship woes, he considers all sorts and shades of male and briskly sorts them out with his catchphrase: “He’s just not that into you.” In some instances, he has a point---i.e., a man who beats you, who verbally abuses you, who is drunk all the time, or who sleeps with someone else isn’t a good relationship risk. But did anyone really need this expert to tell them this? Okay, yes. Some women probably did.
If it had stopped there, fine.
It didn’t, though. The guy who doesn’t call as often as you’d like? Not into you. Dump him. The guy who is going through a phase of being distant and preoccupied with other things? Not that into you. Dump him. The guy who you’ve been dating a few months and who seems to be becoming attached but who says he’s not ready for commitment? Not that into you. Dump him. The guy who doesn’t want to rip your clothes off and have sex all the time? Not that into you. Dump him.
The female coauthor inserts her comically/pathetically revealing little comments (entitled “Here’s why this one is hard”) in between his brusque (but good natured!) directives. She explains on behalf of the rest of us why it’s not that easy to ditch the lovable and charming guy you have met for not calling when he says or for disappearing from time to time, but why it’s so liberating when you finally realize---as Behrendt reiterates at each step---‘he just not that into you.’
Oh really? Then why is he hanging round? Why does he call you at all? Why did he say yes when you asked him out the first time?
According to Behrendt, that was your first mistake because a woman really shouldn’t pursue a man. If he’s into you, he’ll pursue you! And if you go out with him and he doesn’t call you every day or show from the outset that he’s ‘into you’ in every respect? Dump him and wait till you meet the guy who will!
We’re back to the fifties, in other words---back to a world where passion was ignited in a glance across a crowded room and men were men and knew that it was their role as men to pursue and win Sandra Dee or Debbie Reynolds.
Well, we’re not in that world anymore. Greg Behrendt is obviously an admirably self-confident, affectionate, outgoing kind of a guy and I am sure his wife is a very lucky woman, but what in the world qualifies him to speak for every man everywhere?
The reality is that the world is filled with men who are quite capable of becoming loving partners, but who are painfully shy, self-conscious or insecure (sexually and otherwise), uncomfortable talking about their feelings, and uncomfortable talking on the phone. Furthermore, not every lasting relationship is initially passionate. Despite Behrendt’s views, sometimes love does grow out of a long-term friendship. Love doesn’t always happen at first sight.
And that being so, how is anyone going to fall in love with a woman who promptly dumps every man who doesn’t very quickly prove that he’s ‘into her’ in every way?
Just to prove that I know what I'm talking about: I asked out my first husband. We’d been in a class together. He hadn’t particularly noticed me and I definitely had to throw myself in his path a few times before he started to seem interested. (And by the way, he was much more beautiful than I was). After that, things progressed quickly. [And yes, we ended up divorced, but not until after 10 years, and partly because we were both a bit young to have got married in the first place (I had just turned 20; he was 23). ] But it took patience. For example, he was on the rebound from a previous relationship and had to be convinced he liked me enough to forget about the previous love. If I’d read the Behrendt/Tuccillo manifesto and drunk the Kool-Aid, we would never even have met, and I’d have missed out knowing a remarkable man.
I don’t really believe many women will follow Behrendt’s advice. Most of them will quite reasonably decide that ambiguous love is more exciting despite the heart burnings and tears on the pillow than lonely nights sitting at home with nothing but reality TV and a pint of Ben & Jerry's for companionship. Even so, I find it quite worrying to see someone so obviously well-meaning and happily married and so obviously one of the fortunate few to whom love comes easily setting up a construct for finding love that simply doesn’t fit the times or---frankly---a lot of men.
Sadly, not all men are like Greg Behrendt and the friends that he cites as sources. Not all of them immediately know when they're 'into' a woman or whether they even want to be 'into' a woman. Some of them hav other and competing preoccupations, at least in the early stages. Sometimes men behave ambiguously at the start of a relationship because they’re genuinely unsure whether they want to pursue it. According to these authors, this unsureness is the sign that he’s not ‘into it’ enough. The woman should ‘bail.’
But sometimes it’s just a signal that he hasn’t yet made up his mind. Unless you’re holding out for love at first sight, a lot of relationships start out with one of the partners feeling a bit unsure. In my day, and speaking now as a woman, I’ve often been initially ambivalent before falling madly in love. I suspect that more relationships start out with reservations on one or both sides than begin with melting glances across a crowded room.
Suppose someone writes the companion piece, She’s Just Not that Into You? Suppose both men and women decide that the moment they feel a little disappointed in the progress of a relationship, they’re done? Suppose both decide that they can’t and won’t tolerate doubts, indecision or ambivalence after the third date?
The world will be even more filled with lonely, unloved people than it already is, that’s what. In fact, the book concludes with a sad little note from “Liz” (chapter 16, pages 163-65) in which she discusses how lonely she feels and how pessimistic she is about ever finding anyone to meet the standards that Greg Behrendt has set for single women. She points out that he is happily married and doesn’t understand the urge of single women to settle for less than ‘fantastic, healthy, life-changing love.’ She doesn’t seem too confident that she’s going to find any for herself.
This book demonstrates the bitterness that ensues when you set the romantic bar too high for another fallible, confused, glorious mess of a fellow human being to reach. On page 143 of the book, Liz Tuccillo actually states:
‘There aren’t that many good men around. Statistics prove it, articles and books have been written to verify it, and women would be happy to testify under oath about it. And here’s another one: There are more good women out there than good men.’ [end of quote by Liz Tuccillo]
Okay, for starters, she should get out of New York (nothing against NYC, but if she’s given it a chance and had no joy, it may be time to find another venue). Second, she shouldn't assume that a good man who would be a good companion is necessarily good at love. Some require tutelage. Some of them just need a certain amount of encouragement.
Finally: <sniff!> It’s just so sad, this sense that men in general are probably not up to standard, or to the Behrendt standard. It's particularly tragic in light of the fact that Behrendt and jolly, outgoing, self-assured guys like him ARE already married or gay or both. Don't give up, Liz! Men want love too---they just don't really know how to do love in the Behrendt manner.
It’s just not that simple. Which is going to be the title for my self-help book for young women, if I ever write one.
In short, the book is entertaining and worth buying and reading for that reason alone. But there’s nothing it could teach you that you couldn’t learn from reading a Cathy cartoon.
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