13 Ways to Have a Fabulous Time at Your Own Wedding without Spending All Your Savings or Going into Debt.

Thirteen Things Your Auntie Damozel Has Learned About Weddings.

Listen to your Auntie Damozel, my dear little brides (and mothers of same).  I've been married three times:  divorced once, widowed once, and happily remarried now.  I've attended so many weddings and---believe me---you might as well save the money you spend on some of the embellishments because---I assure you--- no one remembers.  Why, I wonder, do so many women get caught up in having a "dream wedding" instead of a happy married life?  Shouldn't 21st Century women have got past all that?   

With my first wedding at 21, I was so busy playing my part in the spectacle that I didn't have any fun, and even though we have plenty of photos, nobody ever looks at them (we're divorced).   If you need to put a down payment on a house, pay off your school loan, pay off your credit card debt, or pay for a child's education, a wedding--in the long term---is just a vanity fair.  It doesn't matter.   What does matter is creating a happy occasion. 

1.  PUT YOUR MONEY INTO FEEDING AND ENTERTAINING YOUR GUESTS. Determining the allocation of expenses is the most important aspect of the wedding.  If you want your wedding remembered with affection and pleasure by the spectators (a/k/a your guests), concentrate on creating a lovely and fun experience for them.

As for you and your future partner in domestic bliss, If you want to remember your wedding with unambivalent feelings of happiness (much, much rarer than you think) get out of the mind-set that the details mean more than your actual experience and realize that it's the little glitches you laugh about later that sets your wedding apart from any other.  If you have fun, you'll remember it with good feelings forever. 

In other words, don't make it more complicated than it has to be. To maximize enjoyment, keep your arrangements simple and---because it really can't be said too often---- PUT THE MONEY YOU HAVE TO SPEND INTO ENTERTAINING YOUR GUESTS.   It's more memorable to be offered delicious food than impressive food.  We've all had the standard sit-down wedding fare, and if you can afford it, fine----but the best wedding food I ever had was at a Greek wedding that was held at a local restaurant. The second best was catered North Carolina barbecue (chicken AND beef), garlic mashed potatoes, corn on the cab, slaw, and other accompaniments.  I still remember that; whereas I can no longer remember at whose weddings I had the ubiquitous baked chicken and princess potatoes or the filet mignon.   

2.  PAY FOR ALL THE DRINKS AND ALL THE FOOD ON OFFER.  Do not----repeat, NOT---expect your guests to defray the costs of the food or drinks. It's extremely rude to invite people to attend a "reception" just for the privilege of watching you celebrate yourself or to treat yourself better than you treat them.   If people in your demographic don't drink, you're lucky because you'll save a fortune on alcohol. But if you intend to provide cocktails, you need to provide cocktails, and you need to pay for everything.   

It's fine to have something else---beer or wine, with maybe a glass of champagne---but either have an open bar or don't.   Just know that if cocktails are traditional at your type of wedding, you're better off with providing the expected drinks and a fabulously tasty buffet and saving money on the cake. 

3. BREAK WITH THE "VANITY CAKE" TRADITION.  Speaking of which, you don't need to end up with a giant multi-storied cake that no one eats.  If you don't have a lot of money to spend, let your cake be one of those original elements that sets your wedding apart.

Instead of an enormous cake,  provide some really delicious desserts and have a plain white cake that tastes great (lemon is nice) and enough slices for everyone to have a piece and with a few pieces left over. 

You can skip the traditional cake-cutting and no one will mind; everyone looks the same with icing smeared on their faces.  Pictures of the couple standing next to the table cutting the cake:  BOR-ing.   You could photoshop your faces onto any standard picture of a bride and groom standing next to a cake and nobody would know the difference.  At most of the weddings I've been to, the guests didn't even bother with the cake  Have something that tastes great and tempts your guests,  not on a photo-op.

And no matter WHAT your mother tells you, you do not need---or want---to freeze a portion for your first anniversary unless you want to spend your first anniversary throwing up all night.

4.  BUY YOURSELF A PRETTY DRESS THAT YOU CAN WEAR AGAIN.    Even if you're NOT on a limited budget, this is still excellent advice.  The prettiest bride I ever saw got married on the beach wearing an absolutely plain white silk slip dress.  Not everyone at any age can pull this off, but for a bride, the expression of her face matters more than the dress.  Trust me.  If you look radiant, that's what everyone will remember.  If you don't?  Ditto; plus they will all assume that the groom slept with one of the bridesmaids or a stripper following his bachelor party.  One young friend of mine turned up at her reception in a white sundress that was such a knock-out I couldn't imagine why she hadn't worn that instead of the $1500 strapless gown she chose (gorgeous, but not really comfortable for anything but getting married in). 

The best way to look radiant is to feel carefree, rather than to be fixating on your veil or your train.  I'd skip both.

The best way to make people envy you, if it happens that this is your objective, is to look really, really transported with joy and delight.  The most beautiful brides have that aura.  They are too happy to care about being the center of attention---which makes a riveting spectacle.

One beautiful bride I well remember was a middle-aged woman, my friend Liz.  She wore a red silk dress and created one of the most gorgeous spectacles I ever witnessed just by the sheer candlepower of her happiness.  Her joy was like a visible aura.  Everyone was envious.  That much happiness isn't something most people ever get to experience. And if you wear yourself out fretting over whether the ushers' carnations match the roses in the bridesmaids' bouquets, you won't either.

5.  DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN PRINCESS FANTASIES.  You'll end up offending the people who are your basic support structure and who you may need in the life that follows your wedding.  Don't expect people to fall into line to serve you.  As my mom said, "Any fool can get married."  Also she said:  "It's not just about you; it's about combining two families into one."  Bear this in mind.

Don't try to control every detail.    Somebody who forces her mother-in-law or sister-in-law -to-be to wear something the mother-in-law hates is laying the foundation for a miserable existence.   If they want to match the decor, or the wedding party (assuming the sister-in-law isn't in the wedding party) they will let you know.   Otherwise, it is their privilege and their right as guests to wear whatever  they decide is appropriate.   

Remember this:  Your wedding attendants are dear friends who kindly agree to incur expense and trouble on your behalf in order to celebrate your personal milestone.  They are NOT literal attendants and a bridesmaid isn't literally your maid.  Unless you want to see them gathering in little groups whispering about you, be grateful as well as gracious.   Pissing off your best friend is not a good start for your marriage.  You may live to need her again.   

6.  CHOOSE BRIDESMAID'S DRESSES THAT LETS THEIR PERSONALITIES SHINE THROUGH.  What is with the tradition of a supporting cast that looks like a chorus line?  Except in the rarest of cases, the dresses are almost always individually hideous; they turn your dearest friends into decorating elements rather than the fascinating creatures they really are. 

Don't have anyone in your wedding you don't love and let your friends (and even your sister) be who they are.  Ask each one to pick a dress in your color or colors.  My sister-in-law Karen did that; she asked for pink OR orange dresses or dresses combining both colors  (!  and it wasn't even still the Seventies!) and I thought it would be hideous, but it was beautiful.  Give them color swatches from the paint store----it's nice to allow a range of shades---and ask them to get a long dress or a cocktail dress or a sundress that incorporates those colors.  Don't roll your eyes and act all pissy if their dresses aren't just what you expected.   Let them choose for themselves.

A long or short sundress is lovely for a summer wedding if you're not getting married in a church.   I recently saw a group of bridesmaids wearing sundresses from a patterned material; I think they had them made.  The style was simple and flattering to all of them; and the tropical colors were gorgeous.  This group had little vests that they wore in church. 

Don't make them buy horrible dyed "pumps"  they'll never wear again.  Pick shoes that will go with other things that a normal person would actually wear.  You could issue general parameters---"strappy sandals that will match the dress"---and let them choose their own or pick something from a reasonably priced store.  One advantage of long dresses is that you don't have to worry so much about shoes.

I f one bridesmaid can't stand to wear heels or another hates flats, why force them  into shoes they'll hate?  I will never forgive the bride who made me wear flat shoes.  I don't wear flat shoes.  Allow reasonable variations so that the 6 foot tall bridesmaid doesn't have to wear four inch heels.   

I have real problems getting my head around the thinking processes of a  bride who needs for her bridesmaids to spend a fortune (or who needs to spend a fortune on them) having their hair and nails done at a salon.  If they want to do this on their own, fine.  According to my observations, these preparations just end up stressing everyone out beyond belief because of the time factor. 

You don't need to be worrying about scheduling everyone's appointment on your wedding day.  Take care of your own hair and let your bridesmaids wear their hair the way they want.  Back in my day, no bride would have DARED try to control her bridesmaids' hair; it was considered sufficient imposition that you made them wear hideous wine-colored velvet dresses because your mom thought it would look good next to your ivory gown. 

For yourself, putting money into real shoes you will wear again makes a lot of sense.

7.  DON'T STRESS OUT OVER THE FLOWERS.   That's just ridiculous.  Most people don't notice or remember and it isn't worthwhile trying to impress the ones who do. 

Remember this:  you can't go wrong with white flowers for the bridesmaids.  Nobody but the wedding party notice them anyway.  Let the colorful flowers be the ones you carry.  I had red "forever yours" roses (not quite as prophetic as we'd hoped) to set off my ivory satin gown.  Carrying dark red roses is one choice I made that I don't now regret. 

I once went to a wedding where the bridesmaids had bouquets made entirely of baby's breath (I think).  The white and green were absolutely lovely.  In another wedding, the bouquets featured a lot of shiny green leaves and a very few white flowers.

I do think that bridesmaids should carry bouquets.  It gives them something to do with their hands. 

In decorating the room or location for the reception, consider using a lot of greenery rather than a lot of flowers.  If it's Christmastime, you can have poinsettias and Christmas trees (relatively inexpensive); at other times of the year, try to create a seasonal effect without going overboard.  Too many flowers are just oppressive and funereal.  Green plants are good for filling in corners and so on and for setting off one or two lavish displays. 

8.  WEDDING INVITATIONS.  This is one area in which my instincts are all old-fashioned (engraved!)---but my common sense is right up to date.  I don't really think it's worthwhile spending a fortune on them if you have to choose between engraved invitations and better entertainment for your guests, but they do sort of set the tone for what you're doing, so use good judgment.  Try to refrain from "originality" in this context.  Just use the traditional format. 

9.  RECEPTION TIME AND LOCATION.   Unless your guests have somewhere else to go in the interim, make sure that the reception hall is open and ready for them as soon as they leave.  Don't make your guests hang around waiting; it puts them out of sorts (believe me).  If you're going to stand around for an hour getting photographed, you should forgo the "receiving line" and let them go straight to the reception hall.  Provide them with refreshments of some sort while they wait for you.  Remember, being an excellent host will make people remember you and your wedding with affection.  If you treat your guests as if they were paying spectators at a pageant instead of guests, they are going to feel put upon, even if they love you and wish you well. 

Don't invite anyone to your wedding who isn't invited to the reception.  I'd recommend the reverse as well, though I do think that people are willing to miss the ceremony if they get to come to the party.

Plan for bad weather unless you live in a locale where that's extremely improbable.  Seriously, you need a plan B.

The party doesn't have to be at a "fabulous" location or involve evening dresses and waiters, but the reception needs to be equivalent in formality to the wedding so people don't have to change clothes.  If you have a casual wedding, you can have a theme party.  A fun wedding is more fun---by definition---than a very formal one. 

Destination weddings are fun, but don't expect your friends to defray the expense of a cruise or a ski vacation.  You can ask them, but you can't demand it.  You certainly don't have to pay to take them there, but you might end up celebrating your wedding with just your beloved (also okay).  The best locations are ones that aren't too far from where most of the guests live and that offer a range of choices for accommodations.  Be sure that it's a place that's fun even in the rain. 

For my second wedding to my late husband and for my final wedding to Nick, we had extremely informal ceremonies in front of the local clerk of court.  The real enjoyment for us was in the vacations that followed. 

1O.  PRESENTS. Stop trying to control presents, PLEASE.  Stop thinking about how much people spent on you.  People spend what they can afford, and most people can't afford to cater to your desire for expensive china and silver items you'll never use.  If you want to register, register, but consider the registry to be a set of helpful suggestions so that your friends don't have to spend a lot of time working out what you need. 

You can't ask for money and you can't ask people to contribute to your favorite political party or charity.   In fact, you shouldn't mention gifts at all unless people ask.  There is no greater breach of etiquette.

Write your thank you notes as soon as you get them.  Please don't use forms---that's just out of order.  If somebody spent their money or incurred credit card debt to get you a memento of your milestone, you can take the time to write a line of grateful praise for their generosity.  Be sure to mention the specific gift. 

11.  EXPECTATIONS.  Lower them.  It's a milestone celebration; God help you if it's really "the most special day of your life."  It shouldn't go like clockwork;  plan the schedule so there is time for glitches to be resolved and deal with problems with good humor.  Nobody can "ruin" your wedding but you or the other person who is getting married.

Don't fixate on details; concentrate on the overall effect, the meaning of the event, the happiness of the day, and the enjoyment of your guests.

People will remember that forever.

12.  MURIEL'S WEDDING. See this amazing, delightful cautionary tale---set in Australia!--- of a girl whose wedding princess fantasies get completely out of hand (starring Toni Collette and Brenda Griffiths).  You can learn a lot.

13. ETIQUETTE HELL.  Go to this site and read the reactions of various guests and wedding party members to ill treatment by brides, brides' families, and (occasionally) bridegrooms.  Learn from this.  People stay bitter a surprisingly long time over abuses suffered by an entitled full-of-herself bride (or a groom).

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Comments

[samulli]

LOL
Love this list. I resolved at a very early age never to marry and I haven't changed my mind about it in the last 25 years, but I am always fascinated about what a big deal others make of weddings and such, so I had a blast reading your list. Think of all the stress I never will have to go through! ;o)

[Dragonheart]

Terrific list! My mom says that is great advice! :) My humans were married in Mexico - they did a "Weddingmoon" there, and it was easy and stree-free! For the same price that a small wedding would have cost them back in Canada, they had their wedding, honeymoon and two weeks vacation in Mexico! :) They didn't have as many guests as they would have in Canada, but all the important people were there.

[Karen (Miscellaneous Mum)]

What a detailed list. So much work, well done.

And, being Aussie, I recommend Muriel's Wedding ;)

[Robin]

I have just the right person to send this to!

[Tink]

I'm very happily married since 1996, but it was an interesting list nevertheless. We did a low-budget wedding and had a great time!
Thanks for visiting my collections TT. I don't have magnetic business cards, so if you ever want to get rid of those... *lol*!
Every tarot deck can be used for divination in my humble opinion. I Ching is something I'd like to do more with. So many things, so little time... ;-)

[Coco]

Definitely a great useful list. Must try and remember all of them for when I plan my wedding one day :)
In fact, I think I should send this to a friend of mine whose in the middle of the process. She'd be so happy!

[Janet]

You and I think alike! I've got four weddings this summer, and most of them are of the laid back variety :-)

[Laughing Muse]

I absolutely love Etiquette Hell. It's kind of pathetic that so many milestones in our culture - sixteenth birthday parties (or quinceranos, depending on culture), high school graduation, wedding - get turned into The End All Be All. It just puts so much stress on everyone, including the host(s); and then if it doesn't live up to expectations, people feel even more upset, like they missed out on something. Bleah...what a hideous waste of what's supposed to be a fun, joyful celebration!

[BecK]

All great suggestions! I did most of these except for my dress, I had to have the dream-dress. But the food and drinks yep best part of the wedding! And we had a friend do the photos and flowers...cheap wedding but not tacky! hehe

Thanks for your sweet comments on my TT today, about my kitty who died...

[PJ]

Hi there, this is a great TT, but just reading it validated my resolve never to get married.