Love in the Time of the Internets

13 Ways to Have a Fabulous Time at Your Own Wedding without Spending All Your Savings or Going into Debt.

Thirteen Things Your Auntie Damozel Has Learned About Weddings.

Listen to your Auntie Damozel, my dear little brides (and mothers of same).  I've been married three times:  divorced once, widowed once, and happily remarried now.  I've attended so many weddings and---believe me---you might as well save the money you spend on some of the embellishments because---I assure you--- no one remembers.  Why, I wonder, do so many women get caught up in having a "dream wedding" instead of a happy married life?  Shouldn't 21st Century women have got past all that?   

With my first wedding at 21, I was so busy playing my part in the spectacle that I didn't have any fun, and even though we have plenty of photos, nobody ever looks at them (we're divorced).   If you need to put a down payment on a house, pay off your school loan, pay off your credit card debt, or pay for a child's education, a wedding--in the long term---is just a vanity fair.  It doesn't matter.   What does matter is creating a happy occasion. 

The Princess Bride Fallacy & An Eminently Practical Approach to Etiquette For Brides

I just had a conversation with a 23 year old bride-to-be who actually uttered the dreaded phrase:  "It's my day, after all" with a perfectly straight face.  I am not her mother, thank God, or even a relative or a family friend, so I didn't even hesitate about keeping my mouth shut and letting her carry on with her self-centered plans to put on a festival that is ALL ABOUT HER.  I don't think I'll be attending that particular wedding. 

How, please, did the phrase "It's your day" get introduced into the culture's views on marriage ceremonies?  Who TELLS these young idiots that their wedding day is "their day."   When did girls start thinking that a wedding day is only about her?  Who is responsible?  Whatever the cause, the actual experience is seldom enjoyed by the actual participants; instead, it's a painful rite of passage which can cost as much as a college education or the down payment on a house. Quite ridiculous and very much the reverse of romantic.  Why do young girls put themselves and their loved ones through these silly charades?

Actually, it's probably not the belief of the bride that it's her day that causes the problem so much as a serious failure of some parents to teach their children the obligations that you incur when you throw an event in your own honor. 

Forget the Wedding Planner: Cranky Old Aunt Damozel's Infallible Hint for a Unique & Truly Memorable Wedding

Before you plan your wedding, consider taking that same amount of money and using it for some other purpose.  If you still want a wedding because it sounds like great fun, make sure that it is.

[1]  None of the "spectators" (a/k/a "the people you invited to be present because they care enough about you to bother) care about or will notice details.  Nobody cares whether the flowers tone perfectly with the bridesmaids' gowns.  Your fiance is right.  If there are a few self-appointed wedding critics in your roster of guests, concentrate on the goofy lovestruck expression you should be wearing before, after, and during your wedding, and sweetly say, "Oh, it didn't go off perfectly, I know, but at a moment like this, who cares?"  The critic will be so ashamed that he/she will dissolve on the spot.

An Ideal Ceremony---A Key West Wedding.

[published for the first time on June 9, 2006 in "The Flatland Oracles"]

I am about as anti-wedding as it is possible to be.  My usual advice to brides planning weddings is: don’t.

Don’t these dewy-eyed young brides realize that most of the spectacles on which they or their parents are spending thousands (or hundreds of thousands of dollars) are going to result in (at best) a wedding DVD and an album of photographs no one else on the planet is ever going to be really interested in looking at? (Even your children, if you have them together, are just going to look at the book for a laugh).

Haven’t they heard of ‘starter marriages’? Wouldn’t they rather have a house or an investment portfolio or even a really interesting honeymoon?

And is there any event on earth more likely to cause otherwise charming and likable young people to forget everything they ought to know about getting through life with dignity and the respect of one’s peers and elders? Judging by one of my new favorite websites, Etiquette Hell, the answer is no.

Advice to Brides Planning their "Dream Weddings": Don't.

[published on Thursday, August 11, 2005 in "The Flatland Oracles" weblog, my previous blog.] 

Selena was in tears. She had been in tears from the moment her fiance got off the plane. The wedding was the next day and every single thing was going wrong.