The Flatland Almanack

"Timor Mortis Conturbat Me"

  THE DISQUIETING DAMOZEL.  New Year's Eve is the day I took my previous husband off the respirator.  Even though it's been several years since that day  I've never felt the same about New Year's Eve and the whole holiday season and maybe I never will.   And of course this year's season was pretty much overwhelmed by my dear father-in-law's cancer surgery. 

Though I fight it the rest of the time, looking ahead to the New Year tends to be when I wonder about the losses still to come.  I know that's not right, and as you'll see, I cheered up later in the day.   But if you too secretly have moments of doubt and fear, please join me here for a little vent (and a round of poetry by William Duncan).  Timor Mortis Conturbat Me.

Thursday 13 #5. The Disquieting Damozel: 13 Things I've Learned About Panic Attacks.

We live in stressful times.  One often has the impulse to fight or flee when there is really no one to fight and nowhere to run. 

For today's meme, I decided to share what I've learned about panic attacks from my volunteer work and also---following a complete hysterectomy a few years back---my own experiences.  It came out of the blue for me, and even after all the cases I'd seen I wouldn't admit or recognize what was happening when it started happening to me. 

Since panic attacks seem to be on the increase, I thought I'd use the 13 to share some of the things I've learned with others...you never know, you know?  You, or someone you know, may need this information. 

For the Thursday 13, go to The Disquieting Damozel.

IF YOU LEAVE A COMMENT HERE OR THERE, I'LL LINK TO YOU...!

(in process...) THIRTEENERS WHO COMMENTED ON THIS NOTE (AND THEIR MEME TOPICS) ARE:

1. Di at Di's Book Blog, Etc., listing 13 performers she wishes she could have seen in their prime.
2. Donna at "Just Me," lists 13 ways she knows she is living in the country (includes the ability to rank animal waste in degrees of foulness!)
3. Gattina (Writer's Cramps), listing 13 things people do when they're waiting.
4. Hoyeya (Observations from Missy's Window), listing 13 Titles of the Wife of Pharaoh.
5. Janet (Fond of Snape), listing 13 things she loves that begin with the letter "K."
6. Kuanyin, listing 13 quotes from the DALAI LAMA (who just made a historic visit to Maui).
7. Rose DesRochers--World Outside My Window, listing 13 sexual phobias.

The Disquieting Damozel for 22 September 2006. Panic Attacks and How to Cope with Them.

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LINKS TO NEW CONTENT IN "THE DISQUIETING DAMOZEL":

For quite awhile, I've been thinking about writing up my experiences last year with the panic disorder that seemed to come out of nowhere to disrupt my life.  It lasted for months, until I at last became miserable and hopeless enough to admit that it wasn't something that I could control or that would go away on its own.  Finally, after months of misery---for me and my husband---I finally allowed myself to be put on medication to control my anxiety and magically, it went away. 

Though life goes on being uncertain (as adult life is) and riddled with pitfalls and the potential for disappointment and unhappiness (as all life is), I now feel that I can cope with the troughs and enjoy the crests.  I no longer yearn for mere stability and I'm able to enjoy a certain amount of uncertainty.  The thought of having to deal with change doesn't overwhelm me as it used to----and that, for me, was the basis for my panic attacks.

My problem was (probably) caused by my sudden withdrawal from the estrogen therapy I'd been on for the years following a complete hysterectomy.  But there can be other causes.  And---I've noticed just from observing my friends---the disorder tends to creep up on you. 

The people I've known who have suffered were all people who had coped with loss, illness, or bereavement really well, according to observers.   One of them, a man, had accepted with initial fury and then silent indifference the marriage of a woman he'd dumped and was no longer in love with but still relied on; the panic attacks started half a year later when he decided to quit his job and make other major life changes.  Another, a woman, had stoically endured treatment for cancer without telling anyone and had spent the two years that followed mediating between other family members who relied on her for her patience, kindness, and support.  Another was a remarkable young man who had been in a relationship with the same woman since high school; when she decided to end their life together, she ended the only life he'd known since adulthood.  And so on.  The one thing they had in common with each other and with me was that after long months and years of endurance the attacks seemed to come out of nowhere.

What brought it on?  Suppressed rage?  Unacknowledged grief?  Who knows?  And really, who cares?  If panic is just the symptom and not the disease, it's the part that hurts the most. 

It took me a long time to admit that I had a problem that was different from the problem that I was used to coping with (epilepsy) and that I had long ago publicly acknowledged.  I wanted the symptoms of panic disorder to be epilepsy because everyone already knew about that----a fact I already found sufficiently humiliating----and I didn't feel I could cope with having yet another disabling problem.

In the end, the solution for me was simple:  [1] Admit I couldn't cope; and [2] Take medication.  The fact is, the transformation from panic to nonpanic felt like a magical transformation.  But first I had to admit that I had a problem that was different from my previous problem and that I couldn't cope with it. 

I wrote this note so other people who are going through panic attacks (or any other form of anxiety disorder) will be assured that what they are going through is normal (for people with anxiety disorders, anyway) and that it is, or is becoming, fairly common.  In my immediate circle are many solid citizens who have silently endured months of misery because they saw their problem as a sign of some sort of character defect.

For anyone in the same boat, it really does take finding out that waking up in the morning in a cold sweat feeling as if you are going to die of fear isn't a unique experience or a sign of incipient psychosis before they are usually willing to seek help.  Or at least that's my experience.

So I wrote about my experiences here, in my anxiety blog.  If you know what I'm talking about, please check it out.

The Disquieting Damozel for 15 September 2006. Employer Spying & the Need to Draw Some Lines.

EMPLOYER SPYING. 

Okay, this Time Magazine article (I read it in the hard copy version) really upset me. While it merely confirms what I already strongly suspected, getting confirmation is different from just suspecting...and this is something I think is wrong, wrong, wrong, and far more threatening to the peace of mind and security of the average American than the "domestic spying" of the government for the purpose of tracking down terrorists. While I support the right of employers to monitor certain aspects of their employees' use of their resources, including paid time, I am horrified that much more intrusive surveillance is apparently more and more widely accepted. How far should an employers' power extend? And if it extends indefinitely, how can anyone whose livelihood depends on a job be considered "free"? This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "wage slaves" and I think it should be STOPPED. Fortunately, my own employer would never resort to such tactics so I, at least, am free to speak out.

If this information doesn't make you angry, or at least very very anxious, inspect your arm for the implanted microchip. We need to draw the lines sooner rather than later. People shouldn't get used to the idea that this is "the way it is." CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE DISQUIETING DAMOZEL.

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Just Eat the Damn Peach, The Disquieting Damozel, & Floridiana Gloriana for 6 August through 8 August. New content!

Here is a list of postings for the last few days:

BEGUILING JUNK TV VS. IRRITATING JUNK TV. First, a little discussion---in the [Dame Edna Voice/]kindest possible spirit[/Dame Edna Voice]---comparing the television show I most hate to love (Footballer's Wives) and the show I am proud to hate (Desperate Housewives).  Both are completely pointless froth, and yet Footballer's Wives makes me feel engaged in the ridiculous lives of, and ludicrous plotlines concerning, the lives of British-tabloid-fodder women, whereas Desperate Housewives makes me despise women whose struggles would normally be of at least passing interest to me.  I don't think it's the acting, so I'm guessing it's something about the writing.  "That's your opinion!" said a DH fan friend of mine heatedly.  Yes, that's right.  And it---with my reasons---can be found here, in Just Eat the Damn Peach.

I also gave rather lengthy thought to an issue that is obviously of concern to many people all the time, judging by the people who check out a certain tangentially related posting I wrote some time back (on death and dying).  This posting has to do with coping with the death of a loved one (something I went through myself when my late husband Don died).  I posted it because I too sat up late at night, searching the web for advice on how to get through.  Maybe someone who needs it will eventually find it.  It's posted, like all such uncomfortable memories, here in The Disquieting Damozel. 

Finally, my category for posting/sharing some of my "artwork" from my gleeful kid-finger-painting-like experiments with Paintshop Pro.  These are very humbly submitted in case anyone else likes virtual baubles as much as I do.

First, an admittedly rather coaster-ish looking sunburst that I derived from a photograph of a building at Jacksonville Landing taken from a water taxi one day right before sunset.  It's here.

Second, a very pretty lavender lace-on-blue button derived from a late afternoon photograph of the pier, sand, and waves at Flagler Beach, here.  It's one of my personal favorites.

Love in the Time of the Internets, The Marginal Christian's Handbook, and the Chronicles for 5 August 2006.

   Here are my updated postings for the last couple of days:

Christianity, Christ, and Mel Gibson.

Heart breaking?  Heart broken?  Some recommendations.

Also, in my new category, "Quiddities and Oddities," some discussion of an article on the Bermuda Triangle, which sorts out fact from myth, plus a digression concerning the Brown Mountain Lights, a current scientific explanation, and my own personal encounter with a similar phenomenon.  Weird science, yay!