Love in the Time of the Internets

Shakespeare and I sort out that expense of spirit.

This blog is one "sub-weblog" of our main blog, The Flatland Almanack.  Please do visit us there! I will try to post a note on this topic every week or so, but The Flatland Almanack is my daily blog.  This one is for longer pieces.

Table of Contents/Sitemap; Navigation.

For a complete list of the contents of  "Love in the Time of the Internets,"  click here. 

To see a couple of the most recent posts, scroll down.   To browse posts by topic, click on the "categories" listed on the righthand sidebar. 

To see other "Flatland Almanack" weblogs, click on the links on the lefthand sidebar.

Still Here, Still Working Full-Time on the Political Blog

I really DO intend to begin blogging about my own life again.  But getting Buck Naked Politics up and running (and with a 200+ technorati ranking) and still working full-time has absorbed all my energy.  Please visit me there!

13 Ways to Have a Fabulous Time at Your Own Wedding without Spending All Your Savings or Going into Debt.

Thirteen Things Your Auntie Damozel Has Learned About Weddings.

Listen to your Auntie Damozel, my dear little brides (and mothers of same).  I've been married three times:  divorced once, widowed once, and happily remarried now.  I've attended so many weddings and---believe me---you might as well save the money you spend on some of the embellishments because---I assure you--- no one remembers.  Why, I wonder, do so many women get caught up in having a "dream wedding" instead of a happy married life?  Shouldn't 21st Century women have got past all that?   

With my first wedding at 21, I was so busy playing my part in the spectacle that I didn't have any fun, and even though we have plenty of photos, nobody ever looks at them (we're divorced).   If you need to put a down payment on a house, pay off your school loan, pay off your credit card debt, or pay for a child's education, a wedding--in the long term---is just a vanity fair.  It doesn't matter.   What does matter is creating a happy occasion. 

Thursday 13. Meme. 13 Foolproof Ways to Ruin a Relationship.

Thirteen Fool-Proof Ways to Ruin a Relationship (with a friend, family member or lover).

Some of this is based on personal experience, but most is based on years of observing other people, and working with other people at the counseling center. 

Toxic Traits: Why Nobody Loves You, or at Least Not for Long.

It's probably not for the reasons you think. 

Since I'm not trying to write a "Number 1 Bestseller!" for the grocery store check-out line, or trying to be published in Cosmopolitan, Mademoiselle, nor yet even Oprah's Magazine, I can afford to be honest, whereas the writers of advice columns and so forth really can't.   And unlike those advisers and comforters, I haven't got any foolproof advice to give you on how to make yourself more physically appealing to whichever sex you wish to attract, on your sexual techniques, or on increasing your confidence in yourself. 

Lessons on Love Learned from Watching Court TV: A Cynical List of Foolproof Rules.

<BACK TO INTRODUCTION.

You can learn a lot by watching angry couples on Court TV.  Our personal favorites are Judge Judy and The People's Court, but really, you can see the same scenarios being enacted in every television courtroom. 

These shows, my friends, are the real raw thing.  In real life, people who fall in love are often credulous, pathetic, undignified, and stupid.  Such people tend to fall in love with--and sometimes marry---people who are venal, greedy, shameless, amoral, undignified, and stupid.  The credulous ones end up in court because they just refused to believe that their situation wasn't special.

Though the dynamics are not a pretty sight, the stories they tell when they sue each other are instructive.  I could write a book about things you can learn about relationships from watching court TV, a whole cynical book, but instead I'll content myself with one mere cynical list of rules---rules which are as inalterable as the law of physics.

Thoughts about My First Husband on his Birthday.

So anyway, it's January 13, the birthday of my first husband.  Coincidentally, he wrote to me during the week to tell me about some things of mine that he found stored somewhere or other among the detritis of twenty years and to ask if I wanted them back.

I have reason to believe that he still feels a touch of bitterness at the way our marriage unfolded and the way I treated him; as well he might.  But the purpose of this note---posted in my journal and linked here because it fits---is to say in the interest of setting things straight how very fortunate it was for him that I was such a confused, neurotic little wretch in my time. 

Being treated badly is THE red flag that ought to tell you that you'd be better off elsewhere.  Forget hoping the other person will change because change doesn't happen that way.  Move on, find your true love, and get happy.  Be assured, in the meantime, that what goes around comes around, and that the person who failed to give you the love you deserve will live to regret it.

To read all about it, JUMP TO THE FLATLAND CHRONICLES.

Some recommendations for those suffering from break-ups or heart-breaks.

There is no new advice for lovers under the sun, and it's unlikely that there ever will be, but people keep making the same mistakes with the same results, and then looking for advice on how to make things work out out differently.  At my previous site, I got a lot of hits at postings about relationship advice books and relationships.

I doubt that relationships have deviated much from certain prescribed patterns in the whole course of human history.  When two people fall in love, there's always a 50% chance that one of the two is eventually going to sit up, look around, and think "What?  What am I doing?  Who is this person?" and then get up and wander off, leaving the other to wallow alone in a big muddy bog of love, wailing and rending her (or his) garments. 

There is no new advice for lovers under the sun, and it's unlikely that there ever will be, but people keep making the same mistakes with the same results, and then looking for advice on how to make things work out out differently.  At my previous site, I got a lot of hits at postings about relationship advice books and relationships.

I doubt that relationships have deviated much from certain prescribed patterns in the whole course of human history.  When two people fall in love, there's always a 50% chance that one of the two is eventually going to sit up, look around, and think "What?  What am I doing?  Who is this person?" and then get up and wander off, leaving the other to wallow alone in a big muddy bog of love, wailing and rending her (or his) garments. 

Look, Look! A Good Relationship Book! "Why You're Still Single" by Evan Marc Katz and Linda Holmes.

[published on July 18, 2006 in my previous blog, "The Flatland Oracles"]

Why You're Still Single by Evan Marc Katz and Linda Holmes

1.  In the interest of full disclosure:  my personal bias.

Before writing a word about this book, I wanted to be sure I could be really objective about it.  I'm a Linda Holmes fan of several years standing, was aware from reading her other work that she was writing this book when she started to write it, and have been waiting since then to see what she'd have to say.

So I started out with a bias in favor of this book, by which I mean that I wanted to like it.  If I hadn't, I'd have said nothing.  But the fact is, I did like it very much.

The Princess Bride Fallacy & An Eminently Practical Approach to Etiquette For Brides

I just had a conversation with a 23 year old bride-to-be who actually uttered the dreaded phrase:  "It's my day, after all" with a perfectly straight face.  I am not her mother, thank God, or even a relative or a family friend, so I didn't even hesitate about keeping my mouth shut and letting her carry on with her self-centered plans to put on a festival that is ALL ABOUT HER.  I don't think I'll be attending that particular wedding. 

How, please, did the phrase "It's your day" get introduced into the culture's views on marriage ceremonies?  Who TELLS these young idiots that their wedding day is "their day."   When did girls start thinking that a wedding day is only about her?  Who is responsible?  Whatever the cause, the actual experience is seldom enjoyed by the actual participants; instead, it's a painful rite of passage which can cost as much as a college education or the down payment on a house. Quite ridiculous and very much the reverse of romantic.  Why do young girls put themselves and their loved ones through these silly charades?

Actually, it's probably not the belief of the bride that it's her day that causes the problem so much as a serious failure of some parents to teach their children the obligations that you incur when you throw an event in your own honor. 

More Help for Singles! "Why You're Still Single" and Some preliminary-to-reading-it-reflections on the general subject.

[published on July 4, 2006 in "The Flatland Oracles," my previous weblog]

Why You're still Single.

I've said what I think about He's Just Not That Into You.   I enjoyed reading it and found it amusing, but Lord knows I don't think it should be taken as a guide for women who have it halfway together and want to "find someone."  If I had followed that advice, I doubt I'd ever have married.  Instead, I did every single thing that the book warns against and....yeah, I had no trouble getting married, ladies.  Even in middle-age. 

The immense success of the book has naturally spawned other relationship guides by people who wish to question the book's main premises or to cash in on the book's success. 

Perils of Present-Giving

                               

[published on June 21, 2006 at "The Flatland Oracles," my previous blog]

1.  Present-giving without pitfalls.

 

My husband and I coexist peacefully partly because we have made a practice of avoiding the rituals that produce so much grief between other couples we have known.

Specifically, I’m talking about the ritual exchange of gifts that seem to cause grief to so many other couples. We don’t do that. Though we don’t come from similar backgrounds (and in fact were brought up in different countries), we do come from families that don’t treat present-giving as some sort of anxiously-anticipated indicator of the state of the relationship or the other person's view of its significance.  By mutual agreement, we seldom or never give each other presents on occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries.

           If you think that sounds sort of joyless, read on. 

It’s not that we don’t mark the days at all. The birthday boy or girl usually chooses a restaurant and we have a meal.

Forget the Wedding Planner: Cranky Old Aunt Damozel's Infallible Hint for a Unique & Truly Memorable Wedding

Before you plan your wedding, consider taking that same amount of money and using it for some other purpose.  If you still want a wedding because it sounds like great fun, make sure that it is.

[1]  None of the "spectators" (a/k/a "the people you invited to be present because they care enough about you to bother) care about or will notice details.  Nobody cares whether the flowers tone perfectly with the bridesmaids' gowns.  Your fiance is right.  If there are a few self-appointed wedding critics in your roster of guests, concentrate on the goofy lovestruck expression you should be wearing before, after, and during your wedding, and sweetly say, "Oh, it didn't go off perfectly, I know, but at a moment like this, who cares?"  The critic will be so ashamed that he/she will dissolve on the spot.

An Ideal Ceremony---A Key West Wedding.

[published for the first time on June 9, 2006 in "The Flatland Oracles"]

I am about as anti-wedding as it is possible to be.  My usual advice to brides planning weddings is: don’t.

Don’t these dewy-eyed young brides realize that most of the spectacles on which they or their parents are spending thousands (or hundreds of thousands of dollars) are going to result in (at best) a wedding DVD and an album of photographs no one else on the planet is ever going to be really interested in looking at? (Even your children, if you have them together, are just going to look at the book for a laugh).

Haven’t they heard of ‘starter marriages’? Wouldn’t they rather have a house or an investment portfolio or even a really interesting honeymoon?

And is there any event on earth more likely to cause otherwise charming and likable young people to forget everything they ought to know about getting through life with dignity and the respect of one’s peers and elders? Judging by one of my new favorite websites, Etiquette Hell, the answer is no.

Love in Midlife---How to Fail at Finding It. Bonus sonnet: 57.

[published on August 14, 2005 in "The Flatland Oracles"]

“I came to you because you’re the expert in relationships,” said my friend. “You know--in finding them.  You’ve been so lucky that way. How do you do it? Seriously, I need to know.”

Wait.  I'm an expert in relationships?  Then I realized that what she saysis true in a way---though only in a way.  I have been married three times and I'm still in my forties, which looks like a kind of luck and gives me a sort of claim to expertise from where she stands.  first ended in divorce; the second in my spouse’s death due to an aneurysm, so:  not lucky at all in that respect and certainly no more an expert than any other person who undergoes the losses of adult life.

But I’ve been very happily remarried now for going on for four years. And I was never alone for long during the interim periods. How do I do it? There’s nothing about me which on the surface would explain it. As I considered the point, I became slightly intrigued myself.

Advice to Brides Planning their "Dream Weddings": Don't.

[published on Thursday, August 11, 2005 in "The Flatland Oracles" weblog, my previous blog.] 

Selena was in tears. She had been in tears from the moment her fiance got off the plane. The wedding was the next day and every single thing was going wrong.

Toxic Love and Sonnet 36.

[published in "The Flatland Oracles" on August 4, 2005]

SONNET 36.

Let me confess that we two must be twaine, [1]

Although our undivided loves are one: [2]

So shal those blots that do with me remaine, [3]

Without thy help, by me be borne alone. [4]

In our two loves there is but one respect, [5]

Though in our lives a separable spite, [6]

Which though it alters not love’s sole effect,

[7]  Yet it doth steal sweet houres from love's delight [8]

I may not evermore acknowledge thee, [9]

Lest my bewailed guilt should do thee shame, [10]

Nor thou with public kindness honour me, [11]

Unless thou take that honour from thy name. [12]

  But do not so: I love thee in such sort [13]

  As thou, being mine, mine is thy good report [14]

--The Bard

 

 I do know the story behind this sonnet, or at least I know what I’ve been told by scholars. As a reflection of Shakespeare’s actual experience with his patron, it’s pathetic enough. If taken at face value----as a love sonnet--- it’s a whole different type of pathetic.

  Concealment as a condition of love strikes a number of people as romantic and rather thrilling in the early stages of an unabalanced relationship. After all, if your partner is willing to risk everything for your love, despite the drawbacks of it or you----! Early on, you might focus more on the strength of the bond (lines 1-2, 5-6) which of course couldn’t exist against all the odds if you didn’t have something very, very special.

 

It's Just NOT that Simple. Reflections on He's Just Not that into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tucillo

  [published on August 3, 2005 in "The Flatland Oracles" weblog]

  I’m at a stage in life where I am sometimes the recipient of younger women’s confidences concerning their love lives. In addition, I’ve been secretly monitoring the weblogs of certain excellent young writers who---among other things---like to share, sometimes in more depth and detail than I really want, their venting/rantings on the subject of love generally and dating specifically.