The Catland Chronicles

INTRODUCTION: BWAH HA HA HA HAH I GOT MY OWN BLOG (IF I SHARE)!!!!

ABOUT THIS BLOG. HA HA the lady I live with said I would NEVER get a blog and I've got a blog!  Right now I have to share with Sam and Lydia, but I bet pretty soon I'll have it all to myself!    I am gonna OWN the blogosphere!   But first the lady said I have to tell you about this blog.

The lady said if she gave me a blog I had to, like, mention that this is just one blog that is the  official kitty blog for THE FLATLAND ALMANACK which is a whole bunch of other blogs the lady has, like her clip-art gallery, her political blog, and a lot of other stuff, blah de blah bloggetty blog blog woohoo.  THE FLATLAND ALMANACK lists new things she posts every day in all her blogs and she says I have to have links to it in the sidebar, which: whatever.  So anyway if you  want to see her other blogs, click on the links on the left yacketa yacketa yackety. 

Now you know!

Here we all are.   The lady picked this picture to make it look like we are all discussing blogging, but really we are just planning a diversion so the man will go in the kitchen and we can steal the catnip bag. Even Sam that everyone thinks is SUCH A SAINT was in on it.   You can see from his ears and the way he is squinting  that he was, like, the LEADER of stealing the catnip.  He knocked over a whole gallon of water that the man had to mop up!   Lydia (<enemy) is the other one.  I hate her.

My Latest Paintings--A Catland Chronicles Exclusive! \~~^..^ (c) Lydia 2007

So anyway, the lady we live with has been, like, really freaking obsessed with her political blog, and I have tried to be as understanding as I can.  Being a sensitive artiste (art is above and beyond politics so, like, I don't want to get involved or anything with the buck naked thing), I understand that the rage to create can become all-absorbing and when it's in, like, full flow it can become an obsession or whatever. Anyways, I've gone easy on the lady because when she goes off on what Sam calls one of her "tangents" we have the man to look after us.  But finally, enough was, like, enough. 

The Collected Poetry of Flat Cat! (Warning! It is the Poetry of REVENGE! The Lady Says Some of them are Rude and Mean!)

The lady is always letting stupid Lydia show her stupid paintings in an Exhibition so I asked the lady if I could have an Exhibition too and she said, but you don't paint or draw.  But then I said I wanted to have a post where all my poetry is together and at first she said no because she says all my poetry is mean!  But then the man said it seemed unfair and the lady got mad and said he was letting himself get played by Flat Cat again!    Then she said I could have my poetry, as long as I made it clear that it was very mean poetry for which I ought to have been spanked!  But I am too cute to spank, so I never get spanked!

The Lady is Finally Letting Me Blog Again! And I Wrote a Mean Limerick About Her, but Now I am Taking it Back!

It has been MONTHS but finally the lady said I could blog again!  When she got back from her trip she wouldn't let us blog because we were punishing her, and then she wouldn't let us blog because she was too Busy with her political blog!  She is always saying I am Selfish but she is Selfish too!

Then when she was going to let me blog after all Sam got sick and she was frightened.  He got all skinny and mangy looking and was throwing up his food and the doctor told the lady and the man that Sam needed surgery so they could find out what was wrong with him!  But the man said that Sam was too old and it would be cruel to put him through it and that they should try everything else first!  So then another doctor told them to give him digestive pills and see if it would work and it did! 

I am glad that Sam got sick because his pills have to be wrapped up in special Treats and now when Sam gets his pills, Lydia and I get treats too!

Still Here, Still Working Full-Time on the Political Blog

I really DO intend to begin blogging about my own life again.  But getting Buck Naked Politics up and running (and with a 200+ technorati ranking) and still working full-time has absorbed all my energy.  Please visit me there!

The Lady is Back and I am Punishing Her! by Flat Cat.

She came back two days ago and acted like nothing had happened!  At first I ran and hid from her because I wasn't sure she was the same person because she smelled different but Lydia said don't be stupid of course it is her!  When she went upstairs to put her stuff away I smelled her shoes which smelled like Other Cats!  I have never smelled other cats except Lydia and Sam, but Sam said it was the smell of Other Cats and was very upset about it, but he got in the lady's lap anyway because he is a traitor!

Further Pictures from my Retrospective! Lydia. \~~^..^ (c) Lydia 2007.

<click on link to go to the site.

The lady is still, like, really busy and we STILL don't know what's going on with her.  Flat Cat is sulking---his ears have been back for like days and he won't blog--- and Sam has been holed up meditating 24/7 because he thinks the lady is going to be going away, who knows for how long, and when that happens, he really can't deal.  I don't like it either, but in my most recent life (when I was a Beatnik), the lady who lived with me was always disappearing and then coming back when I'd pretty much given up on her. She used to leave me outside to fend myself when she was away, but that's a whole, like, other story.  The point is:  you have to adapt.   Then you can, like, punish her later when she gets back. 

A Retrospective of My Recent Work by Lydia. ( ~---^..^ All Rights Reserved So, Like, Ask If You Want to Use it!!

Okay, so anyways, as you probably already know (and if you don't you should definitely, like, read my thread) I am hoping eventually to become a professional Artist's and Photographer's Model because I have certain unique points, but am also a sensitive artiste and poet in my own right.  During my last life, the lady who lived with me (no man that time around) was a "Beatnik" and we were all "Art Poetry Late Nights and Hashish [<high-powered catnip], Man," which the lady I live with now doesn't approve of, but which was fun while it lasted though it was hard to get any work done. 

I am, like, all upset too ( ~---^..^

We are all, like, really WORRIED about the lady who lives with us because she has been working a lot more than usual and has been talking to that black thing next to the sofa a lot which isn't ever a good thing in my experience.  Sam thinks something has happened and she will go "out of town" which means she disappears on us for a long time and we don't know why or when or if she is coming back. 

I am Still Mad at the Lady and Will Punish Her if She Goes Out of Town! xx Flat Cat

All week the lady who lives with us has been busy doing Other things, so I have not been able to blog!  The lady had a Project she was doing, and she still blogged anyway even though she had a Project, but she would not type for us, which is unfair!  I said I have many internet fans and they will be sad, but the lady said it is a very big internet and they'll find something else to read, don't worry!  And even Sam said that this was unfair and Not Nice because he said it was Not Like Her, which is what he says instead of unfair and Not Nice! 

Cats on Tuesday. I am MAD AT THE LADY.

The lady said this weekend I could blog on Monday but on Monday she got a new Project and I could not blog on Monday!  Then she got a new project today, Tuesday!  She says she won't have time to let us visit other Cats like we usually do and that we may have to have a "hiatus" for a couple of weeks which means NO BLOGGING.  It is not fair, I only just got a Blog and now she is saying MAYBE NO BLOGGING FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 

Seven Random Things About Me, Flat Cat!

HA HA HA HA HA I got tagged by THE RAT at "A Trinity of Cats" and Sam and Lydia didn't!  This PROVES everyone likes me better!   I get to list 7 random things about me because I am awesome and then I get to tag other cats who are also awesome!  I do not know any other cats that are as awesome as I am but the lady says I can go online Monday and look for some!  I am being punished because I bit Lydia for calling me "Orca"again so no more blogging  or emailing this weekend, but then the lady who lives here said it might be Rude not to respond when tagged!  HA HA HA HA HA HA she said I couldn't blog till Monday and I, like, get to blog ANYWAY!  After she finishes her Project Monday I can tag other Cats!

The Friday Poetry Corner. LIMERICKS BY FLAT CAT! (THEY RHYME, UNLIKE LYDIA'S STUPID POEMS!)

Sampan is a Cat who is BORING!
Whenever he talks I start snoring!
He pretends to know stuff!
But it's really just guff
You won't miss if you just start ignoring!.

[I am  mad at him because he won't wash my ears!]

The Friday Poetry Corner. HAIKU BY LYDIA.

Okay, so the lady said if I would give her permission, she would, like, publish my haiku in our blog and at first I was all, hello??? I am a sensitive artiste who does not write for fame, and then she was like, but what about promoting your modeling career and your portfolio and proving that you aren't like, just a pretty face?  So then I was like, well okay if you really  think it will help my career?  Because you have to put yourself out there, you know? 

No pain no gain.  So anyways, I present:

Why I Hate Flat Cat.
A nap aborted
Fiendish claws tear at my tail
Rake away my dreams

To a Fellow "Meezer's" Bright Return (by Sampan, Lydia, and Flat Cat).

Dear Megan:  My Cats wished to post this note to you at their blog to salute your relationship with Teacup and to offer you what consolation they can. 

Sam is NOT a SAINT! PROOF by Flat Cat!

I like Sam most of the time because he used to wash me when I was a kitten and he will still wash me now if I go and sit next to him and wait.  I don't like washing myself, it gives me hairballs! 

Besides, I am very fluffy and big-boned and it takes a long time and it is hard for me to wash my tummy because I am very muscular.  Sam LIKES to groom me, it makes him feel important and everybody pets him and praises him and makes a big fuss about him which is what he likes.  It is one reason they think he is a saint. 

Cats on Tuesday. Flat Cat Presents: More of Stupid Lydia's So-Called Portfolio

So I am in trouble because Lydia called me Blobby Tail so I chased her and we had a fight.  And I, like, won because I am much more muscular and am not a little squally girlie cat!

The lady said my punishment is I don't get to do my usual Tuesday blog because I have been bad, but I have NOT been bad!  She called me "Blobby Tail" so she deserved for me to bite her neck!  I do NOT have a blobby tail!

Flat Cat and Sam Disagree; Two Limericks by FLAT CAT.

The lady made this picture which she says is how I look when I have catnip.  We don't get catnip often.  It is a treat and in our house, it is the man who always gives out treats.  He keeps the catnip in a glass cupboard.  When we hear the cupboard door open we always run from wherever we are because we, like, hardly EVER get treats. 

Sam is NOT going to Take Over My Blog!

You see what is happening, don't you? 

I FINALLY get a blog that I had to promise to share and before I even have time to think of anything to say, Bigfoot just, like, shoves his giant paws right in and takes over!

More Cat Philosophy and a Short Religious Poem (by Sam).

First, we here at THE CATLAND CHRONICLES would like to say a special word of thanks to the lovely and gracious DAISY THE CURLY CAT (who writes one of my favourite cat blogs) for providing us with our first internet link.   We are all so very grateful.  Now that we have our own blog we hope to make many more internet friends and to do our own share of commenting on other "kitty blogs."

Sam Does Not Share Flat Cat's Sentiments.

Gentle reader (whether you be Cat, Human, or Other):  Please allow me to apologize for my younger adopted sibling, Caligula (affectionately known as "Flat Cat") and to disassociate myself from the sentiments he expresses here. 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I HAVE MY OWN BLOG, IF I SHARE!

I  finally got the lady to give me MY OWN BLOG!  Remember kids:  It PAYS TO PISS AND MOAN!

BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Watch out, Skeezix!  Watch out, Daisy the Curly Cat and Jeter!  Watch out, Meezer Gang and Kimo and Sabi!  WATCH OUT, DRAGONHEART!   There's a new cat in the house and he's gonna ROCK THE BLOGOSPHERE.

MWAH HAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Flat Cat Presents STUPID LYDIA'S LAME SO-CALLED PORTFOLIO because the lady said I can only have my own blog if I SHARE.

I wish we had a videocamera and could be on film.  I said so to Lydia and she got all excited and tried to ask, but---as usual---the lady and the man couldn't understand what she was saying.   They just kept petting her and trying to get her to play with the red light from the laser pointer!  And Sam wouldn't even ask; he only cares about being petted ALL THE TIME. 

So anyway, then stupid Lydia (<enemy) said she wanted to post some lame pictures and the lady said I have to let her have a turn.  So now, not only do I not have a blog, but I have to share my ONE DAY A WEEK with stupid Lydia.  Here is the stupid stuff she wanted to post and you will be sorry you read it, take my word for it. 

Cats on Tuesday. Flat Cat Still Doesn't Have a Blog.

  The lady who lives with us STILL won't give me a blog.  She says it will never, ever happen.  I thought my internet fans would, like, start a letter writing campaign but nobody even cares!  All the blogging cats who are already famous just care about themselves like the show business cats in that song the lady plays all the time:  "Show Business Cats" by "Steely Dan."  She dances around the room to it when nobody else is home, which is how the lamp got broken (she tried to blame it on the Cats, but I don't think the man who lives with us believed her).  We all like it when she dances because she can't, like, keep her balance at all! And she sings along with the music which is also hilarious!

Cats on Tuesday. Flat Cat Discusses Cat Theology and Cat Heaven; Reviews "The Three Lives of Thomasina."

Today I am going to blog about Cat Heaven.  I only remembered it last weekend.  The man showed a film for all the cats of the house.  It was called "The Three Lives of Thomasina."  When I saw the film, it reminded me.  It's one of those things you forget sometimes. 

Cats on Tuesday. Flat Cat's Blogless Existence.

You are not going to believe this, right?  After I helped her write her stupid blog for two Tuesdays in a row the lady says I can't have a blog of my own!  She says I have to share with her.  It is unfair, she just wants to exploit me when she can't think of anything else to write!

I have been blogging for only two Tuesdays and I already have WAY more comments than the lady so I think she should let me have a blog of my own.  I don't think she will though.  She thinks one kitty blog once a week on Tuesdays is enough.  It is unfair!  Dude, I am, like, an internet celebrity! 

Cats on Tuesday. The Unfairness of Flat Cat's Life. (Imported from The Flatland Chronicles).

Hello, it's me again, Flat Cat.  Since I'm new here I thought I'd show you my house. 

Five people live here:  me, Sam, and Lydia (<<ENEMY), and a lady and man.

Here I am in the cats' room.  We have our own room!  It has, like, a cat tree in it and beds and cushions for us to sit in.  We have our own sofa where nobody else is allowed to sit, unless there is company and then, like, we let them stay in our room. 

This is me sitting on the sofa!  I am posing in one of the "cat magnets" the man buys for us.  They are all over the house, but I don't really use them much except when I am modelling.  I don't fit in any of them because I am so, like, muscular and fluffy.  In the living room, I have a special bed, but I don't like it much because it's off in a corner.  I like to sleep in the big chair, but the lady is always taking it away from me because she likes to sit in it too.  It is unfair because she does it when I was there first.  I would let her sit on my sofa if she got there first.  And I always let her guests stay in my room.  It's very unfair!

Cats on Tuesday for April 3, 2007 (Imported from The Flatland Chronicles).

I try not to blog too much about my cats, but I don't think it's right to leave them out of it completely when they are such a big part of my life.  After all, I've been divorced and I've been widowed, but I have never been catless.  And, as a matter of fact, Nick feels the same way about them.  He's the one, not me, who refers to them as our "babies."  I decided to join in a new meme called "Cats on Tuesday."  We'll see how it goes.               

Since I don't want to become the owner of a "Kitty Blog," I decided to let the kitty write the kitty blog.  Okay?  Okay.  Here goes:  Flat Cat's Insecurity Problem.