Flat Cat Presents STUPID LYDIA'S LAME SO-CALLED PORTFOLIO because the lady said I can only have my own blog if I SHARE.

I wish we had a videocamera and could be on film.  I said so to Lydia and she got all excited and tried to ask, but---as usual---the lady and the man couldn't understand what she was saying.   They just kept petting her and trying to get her to play with the red light from the laser pointer!  And Sam wouldn't even ask; he only cares about being petted ALL THE TIME. 

So anyway, then stupid Lydia (<enemy) said she wanted to post some lame pictures and the lady said I have to let her have a turn.  So now, not only do I not have a blog, but I have to share my ONE DAY A WEEK with stupid Lydia.  Here is the stupid stuff she wanted to post and you will be sorry you read it, take my word for it. 

STUPID LYDIA'S LAME SO-CALLED PORTFOLIO:

Okay, so, hey!  So, like,  I told Shamu that I wanted to post my portfolio so, like, an agent or an artist or a PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER might see them and the lady said he had to let me, so. 

I hope that's why you're looking but if it's not, it's okay.  You can still look. 

Everyone admits I am a born model.   There are three cats living in this house and everyone knows I am the prettiest.  I have, like, this really LONG NECK and people tell me I am all the time how crazy beautiful I am which:   like, DUH. Anyways, I know the only way to get anywhere is to put yourself OUT THERE, sooooo:  here I am!

These photos show that I am not only a born model but also an artiste with an innate sense of composition. It was, like, totally my idea to pose under the chair for this painting.  I wanted it because of the blue skirt the lady who lives with us left lying across the chair. The thing about a painting or a photograph is that really boring ugly stuff like a handbag or a denim skirt or an ugly beige top from, like, Wal-Mart, thrown across the back of a chair or left on the floor can seem mysterious and, like, fraught with meaning and stuff, instead of just boring cheap old clothing that nobody should make a fuss about me getting 'cat hair' all over, like it's something to complain about instead of, like, fully an HONOR.

It was my idea for the guy who lives with us or whoever to make this ordinary photo look like some kind of a watercolor painting.  What do you think?  I think it looks like real art. 

The whole point of this photo is to show that in any picture, the cat is always the center and the focus even when she's, like, staring haughtily off into the distance.  At first you just see the folds of the skirt but once you, like, SEE me posing, you forget everything else in the picture, right, and just remember that it is a "Portrait of A Cat Turnng Away."  Because the whole point is that I am all, like, "Hello?  I am a CAT and I am full of ineffable thoughts and stuff like that T.S. Eliot or whoever it was said.

I know that my way of never looking directly into the camera is a bit controversial, but there are, like, a MILLION painters and photographers who always have cats staring RIGHT OUT AT THE CAMERA which, like, don't you think is sort of overdone and obvious not  in a good way?  To me, it destroys the MYSTERY of Catness.   

Anyways, I next present here one of my trademark 'turning away' poses.  I want to be known as, like, The Cat Who Turns Away.  I want to be a cat of, like, Mystery and Mystique, not just some furry prop for, like, bringing out the pattern in an Oriental carpet like in those calendars that the lady who lives here is always hanging up. 

You can see how in this picture the POINT of the picture is the CAT and not the rug.  Notice how when you look at the photo the first thing you notice is Me, that is, the Cat, and that the picture conveys a Mystery.  The mystery is that you WONDER what it is the cat is seeing. Actually if you really wondering it was Flat Cat with some grass from Pets R Smart, but that guy who lives here was able to crop most of him out of the photos.  But of course the average viewer doesn't like, KNOW that it is just Fat Butt.  For the viewer  it is fully a mystery!  Because of the beauty and sort of Cat-like twistiness of my pose as I rise to move toward him to slash his stupid nose, you don't even NOTICE him, am I right?

As for this  walking one, it is meant to evoke the mystery of a Puma stalking her prey.  I had kind of reservations about this one at first because of the neon effect and because except for that, the content is so subtle that ordinary people might just see a  neon cat walking (and it's not even my best side).  But like the man said:  art is SUPPOSED to have nuances and stuff so anyways if some people just see a cat walking, that's, like, okay, you know?    At first I just thought he wasn't a very good photographer but now I understand that it is totally all about capturing the ESSENCE of my catfulness.

My final shot is a water-color photo  that's more sort of Japanese in spirit because of the simplicity of the colors and the pose.  The real point of it was to show the, like SUBTLETY of a black and white cat's coloration scheme.   If you look carefully you will see the rainbow tints that are inherent in ANY CAT'S soul, especially mine.  You get only a glimpse of my eyes here (and the only sad thing about this whole Cat Turning Away Mystique I am cultivating is that you never, like, get to see my eyes).  Again, the eyes are the windows to the soul and my soul is Mysterious and Artistic. 

I n this photo I'm all,  "Um, excuse me?  I'm not going to let just ANYONE, like, look into my WINDOWS."  But you can see just a glimpse here of their color (which is an amazing true grape green only with specks of blue-green!) 

Don't they make you, like, YEARN to see more?  Like you wish the cat in the photo (me but the viewer doesn't know that) would lift her eyes so that you could, like, stare into the wondrous depths of her cat consciousness?  Yeah, that's like, THE POINT.

Anyway, that's all for now, but if you like what you see and you're like, an agent or a painter or a photographer, drop a line to that guy who lives here.  He's got a blog too and I trust him more than the lady; she let Flat Cat come to live here and I don't like her very much anymore.

Comments

[Daisy]

Lydia, you are very beautiful. I think you were born to model!