Wow. how did I ever manage life without The Huffington Post? I can't seem to get through the day without checking it several times to see what the bloggers are saying and what news the Huff Post thinks I---as a would-be progressive---would like to know.
My friend Lawrence (not his real name) reckons that reading the Huff Post bloggers is just feeding into my already (according to him) "progressive bias," as if other sources of news weren't biased... But keeping track of what my fellow liberals are saying helps me to find my own footing and work out what my actual opinions are. And contrary to what "Lawrence"---WHO IS FROM NORTH CAROLINA and who has no time to read this or any blog---may believe, I often differ from the bloggers at The Huffington Post.
To Lawrence, I am a "liberal extremist," which is pretty funny when I consider how my progressive friends won't give me the progressive card. "You're not," said one of them flatly. "Too cautious." I'm not fiery enough, she meant, or rather I'm fiery all right, but as soon as I speak my mind I start to doubt whether I believe what I just said. The reason I had to change the name of the sub-blog formerly known as "Versus/Reversus" is because that's how I approach the issues of the day. I'm always backing up over my own opinions.
"I doubt you are going to make it as a blogger, you know," said a friend of mine. "You're afraid of taking a stand." But it's not fear or not only fear; it's more that I never feel I have enough facts to be sure I'm right; and it overwhelms me retroactively every time I presume to offer one. Do the people who really do have opinions and the courage to offer them know more than I do?
In every instance, the answer seems to be yes. I defended Joe Lieberman and went on defending him until it finally sank in what he was saying and doing. The Huff Post people got it from the start but I just kept saying "We shouldn't drive dissenters from the fold." And now look.
I simply wasn't made to have convictions or even opinons about politics. Even when I get furious---and I sometimes have been furious----I always have second thoughts, along with the guilty feeling that I am being unfair, somehow, some way, somewhere.
I feel terribly guilty about writing a mean post about Katherine Harris and her disastrous Senate campaign a couple of days ago. I dislike her because I'm still "sulking", as the Republicans say, about the 2000 election, and expect to continue sulking till the day I die. And I blame her. I'm sorry, but I do. "Have you noticed," a friend said, "that you save most of your anger for Republican and right-wing women?" I hadn't noticed, but when I went back and looked, it turned out that I do seem to have more to say about Ann Coulter than---just to pick a Republican at random----George W.Bush. And why is that? Why?
Is it because Katherine Harris reminds me of the first grade teacher who made me stand in the corner (the first true humiliation of my conscious life) and Ann Coulter reminds me of the mean girl who used to hang around the school yard and mock my frizzy hair (so unacceptable in those times)? My life is filled with Republican women----two beloved sisters-in-law and a most adored mother---with whom I maintain cordial relations by never discussing politics.
Am I using these women from the other side of the fence as stand-ins for the rightward-tilting women I love and wouldn't dream of hurting? I don't know. If so, that might explain why I struggle internally over my more "strident" postings about these representatives from the right?
There are people on the internet who are a lot more negative about Katherine Harris than I would ever dream of being. They are unabashedly critical and don't pull their punches the way I do.
I feel bad for kicking KH when she's down. "Best time to kick someone," says Nick. "STOP APOLOGIZING."
But I am soppy all the way to the core and in addition, a bit of a coward, I think. All the rationalizing in the world can't give me convictions to have courage about. I don't know what I think. Is George W. Bush a monster, a fool, a puppet, my fellow liberals wish me to believe? Because it's hard to believe. If so, why did intelligent people I know vote for him? What did they see in him that I don't? Obviously he appeals to a large number of Americans, including women. What does Condoleeza Rice see in him? I find it hard to sustain my belief in the picture of him that my friends and allies keep presenting to me, but I don't believe in the one that his supporters present either.
I like to know I'm right before taking a stand and when does one ever really KNOW that in advance of taking a stand? How are these people so sure?
But at least I don't mind admitting it when I'm wrong. What I lack in courage, I make up for in humility. Lukewarm comfort, yeah, for the chronically lukewarm. "Since you are neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out." And maybe I will find in the end that I can't carry on blogging. But I mean to go on trying till I am 100% sure.
ON THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE THIS SEASON OF DEADWOOD [contains spoilers, and profanity]
I cannot fucking (talking about Deadwood here, so I am going to swear up a storm) believe that the HBO cocksuckers decided not to do another season of Deadwood. Who makes these decisions? Was it the same person who decided to keep The Sopranos going well past its sell-by date? It just breaks my heart.
Think what we'll miss. We've got BRIAN COX now and the beginnings of an intriguing story that we'll now never know. And won't we miss Al and the rest of them cocksuckers? Richardson? Adams? Jane? Charlie? Joanie? Johnny and Dan [please don't let them fucking kill off Johnny; Ellsworth was too much of a loss already]? Trixie and Sol? Bullock? Alma? Oh my God; I can't fucking believe they're going to wind it up with a two-hour finale]
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