The Flatland Almanack

Thursday 13 for 19 April 2007. Auntie Damozel's 13 Wedding Hints.

I'm not nearly as crusty as I probably seem and can often be found wiping a sentimental tear or two from my face as one of my young friends proceeds joyfully down to the aisle to his or her starter marriage.  Okay, sorry. That was cynical.  But it is one of the reasons I no longer approve of enormously expensive weddings. 

If you've got debt and recurring expenses or if you have sensible, responsible goals for yourself and your beloved, it's a good idea to work out how you can give your selected guests and wedding party members a glorious experience and yourself a truly joyful memory (rather than the starring role in a pageant, with all the pressure this entails).  I've been to quite a few weddings in my time and I've been the confidante for many a hysterical bride and long-suffering groom. 

It's supposed to be the joyous beginning of your happy marriage, not the happiest day of your life (and God help you if it is).   To read more, go to Love in the Tie of the Internets. 

Thursday 13. 13 Foolproof Ways to Ruin a Relationship.

I placed this week's Thursday 13 in one of my "sub-weblogs" that deals specifically with relationships.  To read my list, click here....

Love in the Time of the Internets for 20 January 2007. Toxic Traits: Why Nobody Loves You (or Not for Long).

Lest you question my credentials for writing at length on the subject of love and obstacles to it, let me say without fear of contradiction that I am able to speak at first hand on the consequences and penalties of being a vain, self-centered little bitch. 

It was a long time ago and the wench is effectively dead, but the reason I was able to kill off the love-murdering little beast in me was that I had some eye-opening experiences that jolted me out of my conviction that I might be a little demanding and high maintenance at times, and yes, a bit jealous and exacting under pressure and often unkind, and sure, I might expect my significant other to put me first every single time and overlook my little faults in light of the larger picture, but whatever, because I was totally worth it.

Nobody with those traits is worth it, my friends.  Nobody.  Not even you.  And if you think you are, I am afraid---unless you have a great deal of money and power that you can offer people in return for putting up with you---you are destined to end up alone.  And even if you do have money and power that you can offer, you are more than likely destined to end up lonely.  People can fake loving you if you make it worth their while, but they can't fake loving you.  Even the best knock offs for love can always be distinguished from the real thing.

I think I am a good and lovable person now, but I had to suffer to get here.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have their character flaws highlighted and emblazoned in italics in sky-high boldface letters across their consciousness so that they can't avoid noticing them anymore.

To find out if the reason you can't find happiness with another is because you are actually not as lovable as you'd thought, JUMP TO LOVE IN THE TIME OF THE INTERNETS.   You won't be glad you did, at least if it turns out that the shoe fits.  And that's the first step toward a happy life and a loving relationship.

Love in the Time of the Internets for 15 January 2007. 12 Cynical Lessons on Love Derived from Watching Court TV.

Watching court TV will make you cynical, but also much smarter and more pragmatic. 

If you watch long enough you soon find that everywhere there are middle-aged people of both sexes being beguiled by younger ones who take expensive gifts or enormous loans and disappear; nice young girls too embarrassed to say no to lending substantial sums of money to guys they've been dating for five minutes; and guys who jointly go into debt for expensive  living room sets and stereo equipments to furnish the next they are building with their loved ones, only to find that she's flown away along with all the furniture and audio gear.

I'm not sure whether men or women are more often the victims.  In the end, many of them end up losing the money they've "invested" in the relationship.  "Just because things didn't work out, it doesn't turn into a loan," Judge Judy will tell them. And also, "Find someone more age appropriate!"  Judge Joe Brown puts it more poetically:  "If you pay to play, don't weep and moan and call it a loan!" he intones. He tells the older ones that it's the risk they assume for taking on a "young trainee." 

You have been warned.

If you watch court TV long enough, you soon learn that caddish and amoral behavior is not confined to those unfortunates who sign up to go on Springer.  It occurs in all walks of life and in all contexts, and often in circumstances that should have acted as a big, flashing red light to the party---call him or her "the plaintiff"---who was too trusting.  And there are other signs as well---most in evidence in the much longer hearings that parties receive in The People's Court in front of Judge Marilyn Milian.

It's notable that every single person in the audience except the plaintiff can tell just by watching and listening to the other party that Plaintiff was gulled partly out of sheer willful blindness and wishful thinking and unwillingness to look the facts in the face.  And most of all, of course, by that "romantic" state in which people seriously believe that their love is special and different from all loves throughout the history of the human race.

You're not special in that way, my friends.  Don't let bad love happen to you.  Instead, read these 11 cynical rules derived from long experience watching court TV.  Read 'em, and weep.  And then show the bastard the door.   JUMP TO LOVE IN THE TIME OF THE INTERNETS.

Love in the Time of the Internets, The Marginal Christian's Handbook, and the Chronicles for 5 August 2006.

   Here are my updated postings for the last couple of days:

Christianity, Christ, and Mel Gibson.

Heart breaking?  Heart broken?  Some recommendations.

Also, in my new category, "Quiddities and Oddities," some discussion of an article on the Bermuda Triangle, which sorts out fact from myth, plus a digression concerning the Brown Mountain Lights, a current scientific explanation, and my own personal encounter with a similar phenomenon.  Weird science, yay!