The Flatland Chronicles

Cat Chat

Who says cats don't talk? 

The Mean Kitty Song | "Hey, Little Sparta"

This is a work of sheer genius:

Be sure to check out the lyrics.   

The author, Mr. Safety, says:

If you have a cat, I'm sure you can relate, lol. I originally wrote the song because I didn't want to do a simple talking blog about my Sparta's little biting problem.... BTW, trying to get a cat to perform for a music video... nearly impossible!   Thanks for watching .

Mr. Safety rescued Sparta.

Flat Cat Finally Gets His Own Blog.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

The lady said I would never get my own blog and now I have my own blog!  And all my blogs are posted there now. It's called THE CATLAND CHRONICLES HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA and even though she says I have to share with Sam and Lydia and maybe the hamster I bet after awhile I will have it all to myself HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Cats on Tuesday. Flat Cat Presents "Stupid Lydia's Lame So-Called Portfolio" and Complains Some More.

  The lady who lives with us STILL won't give me a blog.  She says it will never, ever happen.  I thought my internet fans would, like, start a letter writing campaign but nobody even cares!  All the blogging cats who are already famous just care about themselves like the show business cats in that song the lady plays all the time:  "Show Business Cats" by "Steely Dan." 

Cats on Tuesday. Flat Cat Discusses Cat Theology and Cat Heaven; Reviews "The Three Lives of Thomasina."

Today I am going to blog about Cat Heaven.  I only remembered it last weekend.  The man showed a film for all the cats of the house.  It was called "The Three Lives of Thomasina."  When I saw the film, it reminded me.  It's one of those things you forget sometimes. 

Cats on Tuesday. Flat Cat's Blogless Existence.

You are not going to believe this, right?  After I helped her write her stupid blog for two Tuesdays in a row the lady says I can't have a blog of my own!  She says I have to share with her.  It is unfair, she just wants to exploit me when she can't think of anything else to write!

Cats on Tuesday. The Unfairness of Flat Cat's Life.

                                                                              

Hello, it's me again, Flat Cat.  Since I'm new here I thought I'd show you my house. 

Five people live here:  me, Sam, and Lydia (<<ENEMY), and a lady and man.

Here I am in the cats' room.  We have our own room!  It has, like, a cat tree in it and beds and cushions for us to sit in.  We have our own sofa where nobody else is allowed to sit, unless there is company and then, like, we let them stay in our room. 

This is me sitting on the sofa!  I am posing in one of the "cat magnets" the man buys for us.  They are all over the house, but I don't really use them much except when I am modelling.  I don't fit in any of them because I am so, like, muscular and fluffy.  In the living room, I have a special bed, but I don't like it much because it's off in a corner.  I like to sleep in the big chair, but the lady is always taking it away from me because she likes to sit in it too.  It is unfair because she does it when I was there first.  I would let her sit on my sofa if she got there first.  And I always let her guests stay in my room.  It's very unfair!

This is my older brother, Sam.  He's okay, I guess.  He always hogs most of the attention and gets jealous if anyone pets me.  You can see him standing on the stairs here, looking down at the man.  He wanted the man to go up the stairs and pet him, which also unfair!  I, like, started a tradition of sitting on the stairs when I want to be petted.  It's my petting step but now Sam always tries to get there before I do.

He's waiting on the petting step for the man to finish taking the picture and come up to pet him.

I was pissed off that he did this so afterward we had a fight.  But we don't fight that often.  Sam and I usually get along; it is Lydia who is my enemy.   

Sam has very weird feet with a lot of extra toes.  He hates for anyone to look at them.  We never mention them.  He's very sensitive about it.   

Cats on Tuesday (A Meme). Flat Cat and His Insecurities.

                                                                                       

I try not to blog too much about my cats, but I don't think it's right to leave them out of it completely when they are such a big part of my life.  After all, I've been divorced and I've been widowed, but I have never been catless.  And, as a matter of fact, Nick feels the same way about them.  He's the one, not me, who refers to them as our "babies."  I decided to join in a new meme called "Cats on Tuesday."  We'll see how it goes.               

Since I don't want to become the owner of a "Kitty Blog," I decided to let the kitty write the kitty blog.  Okay?  Okay.  Here goes:  Flat Cat's Insecurity Problem. 

People are always asking me why my name is Flat Cat because I'm, like, anything but FLAT.  Even though I'm the baby of the family (I'm only two) I am way bigger than Lydia or Sam (<enemies).  That guy who lives with us started calling me "Flat Cat" when I was a baby kitten because I used to like to crouch down flat like a tiger or a lion when I was playing. That's how it got started.

My real name is "Caligula" which is some other language and means "Little Boots."  It was my first name, but nobody could get used to calling me that, even though it was supposed to be "Cal" for short.  Then when I got older and very muscular like now  the lady who lives here wanted to call me "Orca" or "Shamu" which I don't know what they mean but which sound way cooler than "Flat Cat."  The guy who lives here wouldn't agree to use them though, so "Flat Cat" stuck, though the lady who lives with us calls
me "Chubby Boots" a lot of the time, which I don't like.  It's an insult!  Also, Sam and Lydia sometimes call me---you guessed it---"Fat Cat"---but only behind my back, man.  Like I said, I am way bigger than they are.  I weigh almost 22 pounds (it's mostly muscle though!).